Little Angry DollMy Top 5 Worst Flatmates or Who Ate My Tofu?
October 27th 2006 11:55
I loved John Birmingham’s book He Died With A Falafel in His Hand. The movie sucked, but I guess that’s what you get when you cast Noah Taylor. Sorry Slem, but you should never have sold the movie rights to Richard Lowenstein*.
The dreadful horror of shared houses. I lived in my unfair share as a Uni student in Glebe and Newtown. Thankfully, those years are well behind me. But when an old flat mate asked for asylum two weeks ago, we had to give it. He went on a six week trip to England to meet his natural father for the first time. And came home to find that his flat mate had sold his bike, TV, laptop, lounge, white goods and set of Mundial Knives. The police said that there was little they could do as most of the items are considered “Communal Property”. Naturally, the daily topic is “Flatmates From Hell”.
Here are my top five. And reading through, I realise how stereo typed they sound, but I have lived with these nut jobs. Believe me. Stereo types come from a glut in obscure markets.
1. The Green Left Weekly Psych Major bastard who only stayed for two months before we paid to get him out. This guy lived in his two sizes too small bathrobe and the memory of him flapping around still haunts me. He’d leave abusive notes on unravelled toilet rolls – “who ate my tofu?” He’d clogg up the shower with his hair then refuse to clean the bathroom altogether because of alleged carcinogenic chemicals in “Spray and Wipe”. It took us weeks to get the Patchouli and Port Royal rolly stench out of the house.
2. The Just Out of the Closet Xena Warrior Princess Fan Fiction Writer. She’d been a Manning Bar/Forrest Lodge friend for a few years and we knew what we were in for. In a weak, weak moment, we took her in. She took off with the rent, to a Xena convention in Pasadena with a German lesbian she’d met on the net. We chalked it up as our fault for letting her in in the first place. Then we saw the phone bill. Before she left, she’d run up nearly a thousand dollars. I still have your camera. Come and get it. I dare you.
3. The Dutch Vegan, out for her PhD in Aboriginal Studies. Claimed that she’d “never had a chemical” in her body yet seemed to live off Pringles chips and Mars bars. Refused to eat a vegetable stir fry once because I had previously used fish oil in the wok to cook the meat dish. Not that the meat was a problem. Didn’t stop her from stealing my wok.
4. The Tortured Ballet Manic Depressive with the Vomiting Cat. This chick had been the Princess of her country hometown. In Sydney, she was just another series of failed auditions, with an equal series of failed part time jobs. The tears. The “I’m no good” hysterics. The Susan Vega. That fucking cat. She honestly believed that the cat was sick because it didn’t have the right name, and I’m not making this up. Her mother always came through with the rent and still sends me Christmas cards. And yes, the cat was a Siamese.
5. Finally, my Best Friend. Let’s call him “Pete”. Pete has lived with me on and off for 10 years as flatmate and house guest. A “friend of the family”, he first rocked up on my door step aged 17. Within a month, there had been two trips to casualty from alcohol induced damage. I was terrified I’d be the one who had to call his mum with mortuary details. He sorted himself out, went home and did his degree. An incredibly smart boy, Pete ended up with First Class Honours and a University medal. A few months later, he came to stay with us again while researching his PhD. He woke up one morning, so totally trashed that he couldn’t find the door to his bedroom and smashed the window in a desperate attempt to get out. Blood everywhere. Pete, I still have the photo’s. And I still love you.
Honourable mentions:-
1. The fifty five year old architect with the two girlfriends who had the same name – Larraine and Lorraine – I felt like an extra in Melrose Place.
2. Next Door Dave, who we ended up just giving a key to. He didn’t have a bath in his house and would come over to come down in a lemon juice and ginger bath. He always cleaned the bath.
Tell me all about your favourite worst flatmate tale. Everyone has a story or two.
Alternately, you just say “it’s your fault, stop whinging, you let them in” – this is true. But all flatmates are crazy.
*Slem – Steve Le Marquand, who wrote the stage play for Falafel which ran for an incredible number of years at The Bridge Hotel in Balmain. Old drinking buddy and more down to earth than dirt. Don’t ever challenge him at pool.
http://lasttraintofreo.com/
The dreadful horror of shared houses. I lived in my unfair share as a Uni student in Glebe and Newtown. Thankfully, those years are well behind me. But when an old flat mate asked for asylum two weeks ago, we had to give it. He went on a six week trip to England to meet his natural father for the first time. And came home to find that his flat mate had sold his bike, TV, laptop, lounge, white goods and set of Mundial Knives. The police said that there was little they could do as most of the items are considered “Communal Property”. Naturally, the daily topic is “Flatmates From Hell”.
Here are my top five. And reading through, I realise how stereo typed they sound, but I have lived with these nut jobs. Believe me. Stereo types come from a glut in obscure markets.
1. The Green Left Weekly Psych Major bastard who only stayed for two months before we paid to get him out. This guy lived in his two sizes too small bathrobe and the memory of him flapping around still haunts me. He’d leave abusive notes on unravelled toilet rolls – “who ate my tofu?” He’d clogg up the shower with his hair then refuse to clean the bathroom altogether because of alleged carcinogenic chemicals in “Spray and Wipe”. It took us weeks to get the Patchouli and Port Royal rolly stench out of the house.
2. The Just Out of the Closet Xena Warrior Princess Fan Fiction Writer. She’d been a Manning Bar/Forrest Lodge friend for a few years and we knew what we were in for. In a weak, weak moment, we took her in. She took off with the rent, to a Xena convention in Pasadena with a German lesbian she’d met on the net. We chalked it up as our fault for letting her in in the first place. Then we saw the phone bill. Before she left, she’d run up nearly a thousand dollars. I still have your camera. Come and get it. I dare you.
3. The Dutch Vegan, out for her PhD in Aboriginal Studies. Claimed that she’d “never had a chemical” in her body yet seemed to live off Pringles chips and Mars bars. Refused to eat a vegetable stir fry once because I had previously used fish oil in the wok to cook the meat dish. Not that the meat was a problem. Didn’t stop her from stealing my wok.
4. The Tortured Ballet Manic Depressive with the Vomiting Cat. This chick had been the Princess of her country hometown. In Sydney, she was just another series of failed auditions, with an equal series of failed part time jobs. The tears. The “I’m no good” hysterics. The Susan Vega. That fucking cat. She honestly believed that the cat was sick because it didn’t have the right name, and I’m not making this up. Her mother always came through with the rent and still sends me Christmas cards. And yes, the cat was a Siamese.
5. Finally, my Best Friend. Let’s call him “Pete”. Pete has lived with me on and off for 10 years as flatmate and house guest. A “friend of the family”, he first rocked up on my door step aged 17. Within a month, there had been two trips to casualty from alcohol induced damage. I was terrified I’d be the one who had to call his mum with mortuary details. He sorted himself out, went home and did his degree. An incredibly smart boy, Pete ended up with First Class Honours and a University medal. A few months later, he came to stay with us again while researching his PhD. He woke up one morning, so totally trashed that he couldn’t find the door to his bedroom and smashed the window in a desperate attempt to get out. Blood everywhere. Pete, I still have the photo’s. And I still love you.
Honourable mentions:-
1. The fifty five year old architect with the two girlfriends who had the same name – Larraine and Lorraine – I felt like an extra in Melrose Place.
2. Next Door Dave, who we ended up just giving a key to. He didn’t have a bath in his house and would come over to come down in a lemon juice and ginger bath. He always cleaned the bath.
Tell me all about your favourite worst flatmate tale. Everyone has a story or two.
Alternately, you just say “it’s your fault, stop whinging, you let them in” – this is true. But all flatmates are crazy.
*Slem – Steve Le Marquand, who wrote the stage play for Falafel which ran for an incredible number of years at The Bridge Hotel in Balmain. Old drinking buddy and more down to earth than dirt. Don’t ever challenge him at pool.
http://lasttraintofreo.com/
| 168 |
| Vote |
Shared on
Subscribe to this blog
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
I moved overseas to the UK a few years ago and the first house I lived in was just manic! I come from a very small, quiet town where words like idiot and stupid were frowned upon so wasnt I in for a shock!
I lived with 14 other people sharing the house - 4 of whom were the most hairiest men I have EVER seen in my life. They would bring home whole fish and scale and gut them on the kitchen cupboard and then try and fit all of the waste down the kitchen sink.
You didn`t DARE leave your soap in the shower as they would use it and it would be left a complete fuzz ball. They would brush their teeth in the kitchen sink and cook their food, eat it out of the pan and then wash the pan in the bath!!!!
Another of the housemates was 50 year old nurse who assumed position of house mother and tried really hard to look after everyone. She knew this one guy from when he was young and she confiscated his bank card so he would have to ask her and justify the spending of his own money!!! His mothers way of checking up on him I think!
I lasted a month and I moved out!
Ash
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Thanks for stopping by.
Why is it that hairy men want to continue their lack of grooming onto food consumption? Our Hairy Bastard also left half marinated duck in the fridge.
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
There are just some things us gals should never be subjected to.
Ash
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Hope you're in a clean, flatmate free place now Ash.
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
Ash
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
I'm curious about the mother/nurse. In one house I had a very intelligent public school deputy head want to mother me, between cones....
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
Health Focus
Poetry Lighthouse
MS Paint Art
I loved your little poem left on Homer's site.
Just thought it may help you to let you know.
It was GOOD!
katyzzz
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Thankyou!
Comment by Stanley
knock on wood.
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
You have no horror stories? Either a dream run, yes, or you've very tolerant.
Comment by KarenC
Genghis Gal
The plasterer who had so much plaster in his lungs that he spat in the shower to clear it and never actually cleared the shower. I had to take down the shower curtain and put it in a nuclear waste disposal it had so many lurgies on it.
The Chinese guy who spat every morning for about twenty minutes. At 6 am
The person who owned the house and had a list of rules for me ... I could only have men over twice a week. She wouldn't wash up a single dish of mine - not even a solitary coffee mug - because she didn't believe in shared chores.
A couple I lived with while I was at uni doing my honours in medieval history. I was completely out of control and not doing any work on my thesis, and the female half of the couple went to my supervisor and advised him that I was out of control and wasn't doing any work on my thesis. And they'd do a "Clean Up" which involved cleaning all of my belongings out of the living room and putting them behind my door, and leaving all of their stuff in the living room.
I have had some amazing flatmates and I shared a room with the most wonderful Korean girl when I was living in China. So it hasn't all been bad.
But now I live alone. I love it.
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Thank you for sharing. I haven't laughed that hard in weeks.
Couples are the worst. Piss one off and that's it. I can not believe your pair had the audacity to go to your thesis supervisor though. That's so bad.
And list people. The Dutch vegan had lists.
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
One night we met up with this Scottish guy outside one of those dodgy food stands you find at night clubs and invited him home with us. He slept downstairs in the lounge and our room was right above it. The nurse came home from work at 7am and found this strange guy sleeping on the couch - the poor boy got such a blasting the last we saw of him was his back and he sprinted down the road!
Wow I can`t believe the couple got involved in your studies! That is just so wrong!
Be thankful you haven`t encountered these freaks - at least in the street you can walk on by when you have to live with them it`s a different story! One of the hairy guys in house took a shine to us and he used to bring us these breaded BBQ ribs every night from his work (ug!)
Ash
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Your comments are hilarious.
Why do we give in so drunkedly easily to total drunked flops?
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
Ash
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
I lived with an American guy who was a self-described 'witch'. It sounds cooler than it actually was. He had an altar, but he didn't do anything witchy.
What he DID do, was play Dungeons and Dragons all the time. And then he sewed himself a suit of armour and would practice 'fencing' topless in his room. He was fat-thin - small-framed, but he had jiggly man-boobs.
And his father, who was actually schizo, left crazy messages on our machine about communists and god-haters.
Comment by Ash
Australian Traveller
Flashes of memories
That is just freaky I would have moved out the next day! Home should be where you escape the weirdo`s!
Ash
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Thank you!
Your American witch sounds like another freak who didn't make the Top Five cut simply because he'd be pleased to be there. Teen "no one understands me" crap carried over to twenty something "I'm so wierd" crap.
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
Angry Doll, can you send me a private message with your email address please?
Comment by Luke
Book Club
Old Movies
Cane Toad Warrior
I used to live with my brother though, at one point we got so drunk than he crawled off into the bath and fell asleep with the tap running. I looked up from the kitchen bench to see water running down the hallway from the bathroom. He's lucky he didn't drown, he was asleep with his nose touching the water and it was cascading over the sides of the bath.
It took me and a mate about an hour to talk him into getting out of the bath.
Comment by Sisi
Comment by Little Angry Doll
Falling Haiku Leaf
Next Door Dave had a habit of falling asleep in the bath. We'd just drain it and throw a few towels over him. Well, I'd get one of the boys to do that.
Hi Sisi
Mostly Uni friends.
I think the Uni share flop house isn't as much of a feature as it was in the 80's and 90's. Glebe and Newtown used to be real dives. Then the real estate boom hit, the crappy terraces - which used to rent for a string of coloured beads - were renovated and students found it more affordable to leach off their parents until the had finished their post grad studies.
We did take an ad out once in the SMH, just to clean up the dirty gene pool of friends and flatmates friends and ex-lovers flatmat's friends. One guy wanted to move his Rottweiler in that afternoon and another admitted, mid interview, that he was only at the interview to meet chicks.