Little Angry DollWork Christmas Parties - Three Colleagues To Avoid
November 30th 2006 22:26
With work Christmas Parties starting up, this is my list of the three worst WCP regulars to avoid like the plague. Get stuck with these guys and you’ll wish you had the plague, if only to pass it on.
1. The Drunk Nanna
There’s always an older lady at the WCP, usually from middle management. She claims she prefers it there, but doesn’t have a lot in common with the rest of the late twenty to mid thirty middle management posse. She’s been repeatedly overlooked for promotion as her “attention to detail” is dismissed, correctly, as anal petty attempts to discredit everyone else.
Come WCP, this monument to judgmental sensibility and sobriety will be in a corner, nursing a years worth of disregard with a grudge, a bottle of the hard stuff and her friend – that strange, quite woman with the cats, whose name no one remembers. By third drinks, she’ll have consumed eight. Don’t be fooled by the “happy festive” smile, the tinsel and curling ribbon hanging from her hair or the drunken camaraderie. She’s always got a nasty little secret lurking under that smile, which she’ll share for one night only. Could be a racist streak, a story about her abusive ex-husband or childhood molestation trauma. Whatever the hell it is, you certainly don’t want to hear it. And she’ll never forgive you if you remember her behavior at the Party, which usually ends in tears, a fake resignation and someone from HR escorting her to a waiting taxi before you’re even slurring.
Recommended Action – keep plying her with drinks.
2. The Limpet
The Limpet, generally male, 40 something. He may spend his working day in the cubical next door but clearly lives on another planet. The Limpet starts off the evening smiling at everyone, afraid to talk. As preparation to joining in conversations, he’ll study others, slowly, attentively. Your conversation and interests are alien to him. And by nine o’clock, you’re going to find out why.
The Limpet is an expert in a very small and obscure field. We’re not talking about your garden variety socially inept nerd who plays D&
. We’re talking weird. The kinda weird the self proclaimed office eccentric could only dream of (mostly because the self proclaimed office eccentric is essentially a shallow dud with no interests other than itself). Before you know it, you’ll be trapped at a back table finding out just why the pike men were of more strategic importance than the archers at the Battle of Agincourt, in graphic detail, with a full list of the dead. Or how the Oronteus Finnaeus map of 1532 proves Antarctica is Atlantis (he may have a copy of the map on him). Or the teaching of David Icke.
Escape – there is none. He’ll follow you to the bar, to the toilet, all the way to your waiting taxi, oblivious that you’re trying to ditch him.
3. The Desperate Flirts
In the female – younger, but still not fuck worthy, even for the most pathetic. She’ll hit on young and old, fall out of her top and say “Whoops!” a hell of a lot. She’ll just go on and on about shit all night in the hope someone finds her interesting enough to go home with. Do not, I repeat, do not let her put an arm around you. Those octopus tentacles are hard to dislodge.
Escape – tell her the Limpet has been talking about her all night.
In a male – older, lecherous and so drunk he’ll think his life experiences are interesting enough for him to embark upon an impromptu tutorial for the younger women at the WCP. He may sing, recite Tennyson, or even try dancing. He will certainly offer someone a massage. The special one he was taught in Bangkok.
Escape – ask if this is why his wife left him.
Ah, December! Drunken colleagues telling you crap about their lives. Praise be that it only comes around once a year.
Image from Wikipedia
1. The Drunk Nanna
There’s always an older lady at the WCP, usually from middle management. She claims she prefers it there, but doesn’t have a lot in common with the rest of the late twenty to mid thirty middle management posse. She’s been repeatedly overlooked for promotion as her “attention to detail” is dismissed, correctly, as anal petty attempts to discredit everyone else.
Come WCP, this monument to judgmental sensibility and sobriety will be in a corner, nursing a years worth of disregard with a grudge, a bottle of the hard stuff and her friend – that strange, quite woman with the cats, whose name no one remembers. By third drinks, she’ll have consumed eight. Don’t be fooled by the “happy festive” smile, the tinsel and curling ribbon hanging from her hair or the drunken camaraderie. She’s always got a nasty little secret lurking under that smile, which she’ll share for one night only. Could be a racist streak, a story about her abusive ex-husband or childhood molestation trauma. Whatever the hell it is, you certainly don’t want to hear it. And she’ll never forgive you if you remember her behavior at the Party, which usually ends in tears, a fake resignation and someone from HR escorting her to a waiting taxi before you’re even slurring.
Recommended Action – keep plying her with drinks.
2. The Limpet
The Limpet, generally male, 40 something. He may spend his working day in the cubical next door but clearly lives on another planet. The Limpet starts off the evening smiling at everyone, afraid to talk. As preparation to joining in conversations, he’ll study others, slowly, attentively. Your conversation and interests are alien to him. And by nine o’clock, you’re going to find out why.
The Limpet is an expert in a very small and obscure field. We’re not talking about your garden variety socially inept nerd who plays D&
. We’re talking weird. The kinda weird the self proclaimed office eccentric could only dream of (mostly because the self proclaimed office eccentric is essentially a shallow dud with no interests other than itself). Before you know it, you’ll be trapped at a back table finding out just why the pike men were of more strategic importance than the archers at the Battle of Agincourt, in graphic detail, with a full list of the dead. Or how the Oronteus Finnaeus map of 1532 proves Antarctica is Atlantis (he may have a copy of the map on him). Or the teaching of David Icke. Escape – there is none. He’ll follow you to the bar, to the toilet, all the way to your waiting taxi, oblivious that you’re trying to ditch him.
3. The Desperate Flirts
In the female – younger, but still not fuck worthy, even for the most pathetic. She’ll hit on young and old, fall out of her top and say “Whoops!” a hell of a lot. She’ll just go on and on about shit all night in the hope someone finds her interesting enough to go home with. Do not, I repeat, do not let her put an arm around you. Those octopus tentacles are hard to dislodge.
Escape – tell her the Limpet has been talking about her all night.
In a male – older, lecherous and so drunk he’ll think his life experiences are interesting enough for him to embark upon an impromptu tutorial for the younger women at the WCP. He may sing, recite Tennyson, or even try dancing. He will certainly offer someone a massage. The special one he was taught in Bangkok.
Escape – ask if this is why his wife left him.
Ah, December! Drunken colleagues telling you crap about their lives. Praise be that it only comes around once a year.
Image from Wikipedia
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